Well-adjusted

I think I am now at the lowest ebb of my personal life, for various reasons. You know the best part about being me? I'll tell you:

I am so messed up that I believe that bad things people tell me, about me. And I laugh.... at myself.... because I am so lame. I can insult MYSELF and enjoy it! I actually LIKE picking on myself.

Can you imagine that? I will never be unhappy, because wherever I am, I have someone to pick on to make me feel better... ME! I am laughing maniacally, right now, at how insane and maladjusted I am. Let me illustrate this properly. I am watching Family Guy right now. Family Guy, in case you don't watch it, is one of the funniest shows in television. I am currently unable to laugh at it. I also cannot laugh at The Daily Show. I put in a Dane Cook CD, one of the best comedians I know. No laughing. Even at the cashew bit. But... I can damn sure laugh at myself. Ain't insanity grand?

***
I remember reading somewhere that it's healthy to cry every now and then.

I haven't cried since I was 12, and I'm damn near 18. I think I'm well out of "every now and then." I haven't cried in almost 6 years. Should I be worried about this?

***
You know what else is a great feeling? Having something I.. sorry, something that YOU want to tell someone, but being afraid. I've never told you people what I'm afraid of, have I? If there's one thing I want to avoid, in my life, it's hurting someone I care about. See, the worst thing in the world is wanting to tell someone something, bursting at the seams, as it were, and not being able to. Why can't I just spill my guts? Because I know that if I did, it would cause nothing but pain for anyone involved. And I'd sooner cut out my tounge than let that happen.

***
I've been told that I'm getting to be more and more like Jake. I'd like to make something perfectly clear now. I am NOT Jake. Jake is my friend. He is my ally, my partner in crime, my backup. Sure, he's a bit abusive sometimes, but that's how guys are.

Right?

***
The center knuckle on my right hand is constantly broken. I can re-set it myself at this point. Really simple, pull on the finger and twist to the right a bit. It doesn't even hurt anymore.

Why is it always breaking?

I kind of think it's better to punch a brick wall and damage myself, than to punch a person and hurt them.

***
You know earlier, I said I was unhappy, but laughing at myself? That was written at about 9:30.
Now, it's 11. I'm not laughing. And I've been introspective. I realized, I have never been so insanely depressed in my life, but some happy little part of my mind is enjoying the hell out of this. I'm like someone out of a Vonnegut novel. Yeesh.

***
I'm listening to more and more death metal all the time. Also, believe it or not, your friendly neighborhood white boy has been listening to some really, really vile rap. Gulfcoast, motherf**kers. Heh heh....

***
There is nothing good on TV at 11:14 PM. But I don't want to sleep. I'm kind of afraid to sleep when I get like this.

***
I voided my existance a few years ago. See, the reason animals live, and yes, humans are animals, is to extend the species. The entire purpose of life, at least genetically, is to create more life. A while back I decided to not have kids. I mean, I know I'm bad enough. We don't need anything else like me around here. So I'd just like to apologize to you all for wasting your time and resources.

***
Here is how good of a social actor I am: Until you read this, there were only two people in the world who knew how unhappy I am. But I've decided not to try out for one-act after all, 'cause I also know how bad of a stage actor I am. {Alter-ego says: |-|3 15 73h 5uxx0rz. R34||y.}

***
Whenever someone I care about is unhappy, I bust my ass to help them. When I'm unhappy, all I hear is "Fine. Whatever. " "F*ck you/F*ck off/Go f*ck yourself." I'm not talking about anyone in particular here, I swear it. I'm talking about every single person I know, most of the time. There are times people might allow me to vent a little, but only when it suits them (at which time I generally am in a good mood).Of course, there are exceptions. Anyway, this doesn't make me mad. It doesn't depress me, at least, not anymore than usual stuff does.

It... dissappoints me.

***
I'm going to get at least one comment on this that's going to be the equivalent of "suck it up, wussass." Somehow this is funny.

***
Allow me to tell you how my afternoon has gone. At 5:30 I was at the library, picking up one of my favorite books, Neuromancer by William Gibson. At 6:45 I was told that I'm going to get my licence tomorrow. At 7 I was reading a good book of quotes from reknowned cynics.

At 11:30 I spent a half hour staring at my hands, and not... thinking.... anything.

***
Allow me to also tell you how quickly fortunes can change. Just before Christmas break began, I was probably the happiest I'd ever been in my life. Things began to fall apart on Sunday. And here I am, now, as close to emotionally dead as ever I've been.

***
One last thing before I play DOOM until my eyes ooze from my skull... if you see me tomorrow....(wednesday) I will probably seem perfectly happy. Perfectly normal. The usual, happy-go-lucky goofball who laughs off every insult and takes as much offense at punches as a sack of dirt. This is called denial. It's fascinating to watch, really. Enjoy it, someone should.