Mindfuck

Okay, I have mentioned the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy once before, but I recently found out that someone is making a movie from it. I have been waiting for this movie for a damn long time, and I am really psyched that it's finally coming out. I've seen two release dates, March 6th and April 29th, but I can wait--I've waited almost five years since I first read the books.

However, I think that in the grandest tradition of novel-to-film media, someone fucked it up.

In the book, and the BBC TV series which I hold to be the second authority, Marvin the Paranoid Android was a large robot. In the trailer, he looks like some kind of chibi-version of himself.

Originally, the Guide itself looked like a calculator with lots of push-buttons. In the trailer, it opens like a book, but has some kind of LCD-type screen.

Originally, Zaphod Beeblebrox had three arms and two heads. In the trailer: two arms, one head. But, I think I saw a really short scene at the end where he was holding a glass in each hand and putting ice in them with a third. Also in this scene, a second head popped up under the first, so they may not have fucked that up too badly.

In the trailer, the Heart of Gold just looks..wrong. It was originally described as looking like a running shoe. I've had a nice, clean image of it in my head for years. Now it looks like a more aesthetically pleasing version of the Borg sphere from Star Trek: First Contact.

I remember nothing about the protagonists being smacked in the face with objects that appear to be shovels on what appears to be the planet Magrathea.

I saw no mention or appearance of the following:

• Slartibartfast
• Infinite Improbability Drive
• Babel Fish
• Mice
• the sperm whale and pot of petunias (Agrajag)
• Deep Thought
• the number 42

Also, I think it's a Disney movie, and I am a registered Disney-hater. I even have a card.

Finally, I pray (figure of speech) they didn't try to get all 5 books into the one movie, because that would be a big mistake.

Now, despite all this, I'm still going to see the movie, on opening day if I can. This may be the one movie I ever camp for tickets to see. But I really hope it's not so bad it ruins things for me, because people are going to see this who haven't read the book. If it's good, they might get the book, and more people should be reading it. Of course, they won't have anything to compare to to see if it's bad, but still...

Leave Us Alone

I am seriously getting tired of these "antidrug" commercials. If I see or hear the words "Regret: My Antidrug" one more time I am going to hurt someone. I don't know who; probably just some random passerby. I really wish the effing government would stop trying to shove their ideals down my throat. I personally see no problem whatsoever with weed, okay? Some of the harder drugs worry me, but I don't mind the kid chugalugging NyQuil in the school bathroom. Also, I'm not going to report him if I walk in on him--and I have--it's not my problem. If the school can't catch his ass without my help, he can do whatever he wants, within reason. If I catch him shooting up, then I may bust his ass, if I'm having a bad day. But to get back to my point...do you know who got marijuana outlawed? It wasn;t just the government. I'm sure you've heard of a man named William Randolph Hearst. He was a big time news publisher in the early 1900's, around the time that the growth and use of hemp (marijuana) became noticable in the United States. To cut a long story short, Hearst had thousands of acres of uncut trees, and he had paper mills to turn the trees into paper for his newspapers. Also around this time, a machine called a decorticator was invented. The decorticator could process three tons of hemp an hour to produce higher quality paper than wood pulp. This meant that Hearst's timber land would be greatly devalued. So as to not waste time, I'll cut the story even shorter: Hearst drummed up opposition to weed by blowing up weed related incidents in his papers, and making up outright lies. This is called "yellow journalism," and it is very bad and fairly common. This led to Congressional hearings on weed, which eventually led to it being not outlawed, but taxed prohibitively--about $100 for selling an ounce to an unregistered person. That'd be about $2000 per ounce today.

In case you didn't quite catch what I was hinting at...A RICH GUY, WITH THE HELP OF THE GOVERNMENT, SCREWED MILLIONS OF PEOPLE OVER. In this case, the stoners. So it was really something we're used to today, but still, wrong is wrong. Cheating and lying are just that--cheating and lying--no matter how you legalize them, if you even try to legalize them.

I'm sure my conspiracy theorist friends want more, so they'll get a bit tomorrow. All the info on Hearst was found in Uncle John's Legendary Lost Bathroom Reader. Admittedly this is probably not my best source of info, but the stuff in their was from another book: It's a Conspiracy by the National Insecurity Council, which may be defunct, as my copy of the Bathroom Reader is from...let's see...Copyright 1999. Not too old, but you never know. I guess I'll go check it out myself. So should you, if you're interested.

A Great Quote

The following is a quote from The Restaurant at the End of the Universe, an excellent book from the Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy series by Douglas Adams. They are excellent books; in fact that is my favorite book series of all time. I would recommend them to anyone who reads at a college level. Particularly Bravo, if he hasn't read them already. On to the quote!

"...it is a well-known fact that those people who must want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it...anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job....people are a problem."
-The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

Immigration Re-education Group

Welcome to America!

Despite the fact that the redneck faction has tried so hard to reduce immigration to zero, you made it! Congratulations! Now, here are a few tips to help you blend into and survive in our fast-paced, progressive society!

First off, you are most emphatically NOT from any of the following nations:
-Iraq
-Afghanistan
-Iran
-North Korea
-France

The following celebrities are not really dead: Elvis Presley, Jim Morrison, Tupac Shakur, and the jury is still out on John Wayne and Kurt Cobain.

Government statements to not question:
-Oswald killed Kennedy-There are no UFO's
-We aren't trying to steal oil or start a new Crusade in the middle east. We are killing potential terrorists, while conveniently "borrowing" some oil for the "war effort." It's not our fault so many potential terrorist seem to be Muslims.

In America, it may seem like every film in the theatre is #1. It is, so don't question the commercials.

God is currently in the White House. This is why our military is where it doesn't belong, killing people who don't need to be killed.

While God is in fact god, money is a close second, and television is has replaced religion as the opiate of the masses.

Rap is good. You like rap.

Following the lives of celebrities from the confines of your living room is considered a healthy, respectable pastime.

It's okay if you don't have a college or university education; you can still be rich if you try hard enough and have good hair.

Non-prescription drugs are bad and they are bad for you. No exceptions.

Well, that's all the tips we at the Immigrant Re-education Group have for you for now. If you keep checking this website, you may find more tips in the future.

P.S.: If you can't read English, get off your lazy, freeloading butt and find someone who can. In the meantime, you better bust your ass to learn English, because it's the only language that really matters anyway.

Welcome to Houston pt 1

As some of you may know, I live near Houston, Tx., which is often proclaimed the fattest city in America. However, I would like to suggest to the mayor, or city council, or whatever, that Houston is worthy of another, more illustrious title, and I would gladly put in a reccommendation. The title in question?

Dumbest City in the World.

My reasons?

Some of you may have seen the Lewis Black special on Comedy Central in which the stage is decorated with giant block letters that say "THE END." The reason for this particular choice of decor is in Black's monolouge. He wraps up the show by stating that he has seen the end of the universe. He has seen two Starbucks stores on opposite corners of the same intersection, and between these two stores, time simply stops. Where are these stores, you ask? Houston, Texas!
Believe it or not, I have actually seen this evil for myself. I recently was forced to go wiht my parents to my brother's doctor appointment in Houston, and was idly staring out the car window, listening to Rush, when I saw it. Or saw THEM, to be precise. I don't know what intersection it was, and probably will, because my brain has to make a special effort to register such idiocy, and I don't like to make that effort because it starts to hurt after a few seconds. (This could be why I do so badly in math. If I'm not dealing with money or building something, math is pretty much pointless.)

Of course, I can't put them in for the title of "Dumbest City in the World" with just that one item, so I have another shell full of stupid to unload tomorrow: Stupidity of the Houston News.

I decided that I needed to post something before I lose the readers I may or may not have, so I elected to post a list of my favorite websites to keep the vultures happy.
http://www.somethingawful.com
http://www.i-hacked.com
http://www.rotteneggs.com
http://www.budk.com
http://www.knightsedge.com
http://www.funnybone.com
http://www.georgecarlin.com
http://bertc.com/truth.htm
http://www.hategun.com
http://www.thenoosepaper.com
http://www.dead-baby-joke.com

Now, of course you're asking, "Anderson, you're a recognized government-hater and conspiracy theorist. Where are all the websites dealing with the Kennedy assasination and Roswell crashes and lunar anomalies?" To which I say, search for them yourself, if you're interested. There are so many crackpots on the internet that I don't even bother searching for that kind of stuff. I go to the library, which is a bit more selective in its material, and use some of the sites that might be mentioned in the books.

(Yeah, I know I should be bitching about society, or posting political stuff, but I'm a bit out of the groove right now. I'm saving ammo for an onslaught here in a few days, so bide your time.)