Immigration Re-education Group

Welcome to America!

Despite the fact that the redneck faction has tried so hard to reduce immigration to zero, you made it! Congratulations! Now, here are a few tips to help you blend into and survive in our fast-paced, progressive society!

First off, you are most emphatically NOT from any of the following nations:
-Iraq
-Afghanistan
-Iran
-North Korea
-France

The following celebrities are not really dead: Elvis Presley, Jim Morrison, Tupac Shakur, and the jury is still out on John Wayne and Kurt Cobain.

Government statements to not question:
-Oswald killed Kennedy-There are no UFO's
-We aren't trying to steal oil or start a new Crusade in the middle east. We are killing potential terrorists, while conveniently "borrowing" some oil for the "war effort." It's not our fault so many potential terrorist seem to be Muslims.

In America, it may seem like every film in the theatre is #1. It is, so don't question the commercials.

God is currently in the White House. This is why our military is where it doesn't belong, killing people who don't need to be killed.

While God is in fact god, money is a close second, and television is has replaced religion as the opiate of the masses.

Rap is good. You like rap.

Following the lives of celebrities from the confines of your living room is considered a healthy, respectable pastime.

It's okay if you don't have a college or university education; you can still be rich if you try hard enough and have good hair.

Non-prescription drugs are bad and they are bad for you. No exceptions.

Well, that's all the tips we at the Immigrant Re-education Group have for you for now. If you keep checking this website, you may find more tips in the future.

P.S.: If you can't read English, get off your lazy, freeloading butt and find someone who can. In the meantime, you better bust your ass to learn English, because it's the only language that really matters anyway.