I haven't posted in for-fucking-ever, eh? I guess I should toss up some random crap to keep the slavering critics off my ass, hmm?
++++++++++
I saw a sign out side of a church today.
"Faith: Seeing the invisible, not the non-existant."
I think they're trying to convince themselves.
++++++++++
How to impress your fellow bar patrons:
1. Order a bottle of whiskey, a few lemon wedges and a large beer mug.
2. Fill the mug with whiskey
3. Take one of the lemon wedges, tip your head back, and squeeze lemon juice into your nose.
4. Drink the entire mugful in a few big gulps.
5. Collect bet money.
++++++++++
So I'm 18 now. This mean I can buy dirty magazines and cigarettes. I have no real interest in either. It also mean I have to register for "selective services," which translates as "the draft." Why is that a fucking law? It's just one more fucking level of control. I'll do it, 'cause I'm gonna need student loans, but I promise I will be the first to burn a draft card if they start that fucker up again. And why do I have to go to the fucking post office, or whatever? I swear they've got my name in a thousand computers, and birthdate, and ASVAB scores. (Jesus Christ, for those of you who haven't taken that, make sure you fuck it up as much as you can or the recruiters will be crawling up your ass for years.) Can't they just sign me up automatically and then send me an email?
"Dear Mr Anderson, we know you hate us and find the government distasteful, but we've registered you for the draft. Due to your ASVAB scores, we've got our eye on you. In fact we're kind of hoping for a draft so we can send you to the front and get you killed, 'cause quite frankly, people with scores as high as you, combined with personalities like yours, scare the living fuck out of us. (Incidentally, have you ever seen Michael Collins? If not, then please don't. We don't want you getting any ideas.) Just thought we'd drop you a line so you wouldn't go on a rampage when your draft card shows up. Oh, by the way, we'll be sending you one of those a week,
'cause we know you're gonna burn the suckers on the library steps. "Best" wishes, the evil Military/Industrial rulers of the good ol' US of A."
Sorry, got off on a bit of a rant there. Sure was fun to write, though.
Finally, it means I'm able to vote. I'm already registered for that. I know that in the end my single vote doesn't matter, but still.... FRIEDMAN '06!!
++++++++++
Speaking of votes, let's have yours! In a fight between Robot Chicken and The Venture Brothers, who would win?
++++++++++
A friend of mine convinced me to start a livejournal. I have made a point of not having one for a while. Live journal and xanga scare me a bit, both full of emos and cutters. But this one is a somewhat worthy cause, written from the POV of Il Duce from Boondock Saints.
Boondock Saints?
BOOOOOOOOONNNNDOOOOOOCKKK!
...sorry.
http://Duce_MacManus.Livejournal.com
Type it in yourselves, lazy buggers.
Sunday, February 19, 2006
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Cop Stories
I've had these stories posted elsewhere for a while, but that site is blocked by most filters. They should be here, anyway. They're both cop stories from a while back.
June 18th, 2005: In the Trench
Some time ago I was out around three AM. I was planning some blast tests with my friends. Why we do them at three AM, is beyond me. Anyway, it kind of fell through because two of the idiots got caught trying to get out of their house. As I was walking back, I saw a cruiser turn the corner onto my street. I started to look for a place to jump into and hide, but they saw me in the headlights, so I ran into my backyard. At the time, we were having a fence built, and the idiots building the fence had cut through the cable and phone lines. (I specifically told them, "DO NOT USE A POWER AUGER," too.) Anyway, the phone guys, being phone guys, had come out to dig a trench, and then eat luch for an hour, stand around for a few hours, and leave. I heard the cops coming behind me, so I laid down on my side in the trench. The first cop stepped over me, and then his partner followed. They wandered around for about 5 minutes, then stepped BACK over me, got in the cruiser, and left. That’s probably my best cop story. I waited to post it until the cops involved would have forgotten the incident.
August 6th: Alexander and the Cops, again....
This is my second close encounter with the local cops. By the way, the following story sounds unreal even to me, but I swear it’s 100% true. Last night at 1 am I sneaked out of the house to go walking around with some buddies. They never showed up, so I was waiting by a concrete drainage ditch for about an hour. Let me tell you a bit about the ditch...It’s a large drainage ditch which was lined in concrete about 10 years ago. There’s a concrete tunnel that connects it to a ditch that’s not lined, just dug out. Halfway through the tunnel there’s a smaller tunnel that leads out and then curves up and at an angle. I’m a big guy, but the little tunnel is big enough to fit through. I’m pretty sure it leads to a street drain. Anyway, as I was heading back home, I got spotted by a cruiser, and scrambled down into the ditch, into the large tunnel, and backwards up the small tunnel until it curved far enough that I couldn’t see the opening. The cops around here,sadly, aren’t stupid... one of them cm,e from each end of the large tunnel, and they stopped in front of the entrance to the small one. One of them, who had a spanish accent, said,
"We saw him go in here, and he didn’t come out. He’s in the off-shoot."
The other guy, who sounded normal, you know, no accent, says,
"Man, he’s too big. He’d have gotten his fat ass stuck where we could see him."
All this time they’d been shining their lights down the small tunnel, and then I heard someone crawling up the tunnel! He got to the point where I was starting to think I might just give myself up and start speaking half-assed German (my only other language), and see if they’d let me go to avoid the hassle, when the guy crawling up the tunnel (apparently the spanish guy, but around here he’d probably be from Mexico rather than Spain), goes
"Hey, Allen...."
"Didja get him, Ramirez?"
"No, man....I got stuck."
"Aw, goddammit...here, I’ll yank you out."
So I guess he pulled him out, ’cause the light receded. They talked for a second, and decided that if Ramirez got stuck, I wouldn’t have been able to get in there as far as he did. Then I heard the squad car pull off...I guess they parked right above the tunnel. So I waited there for about another 30 mintues, and hoofed it home, staying verrrrry much in the shadows. This is my second real encounter with the cops, and once again I’m damn lucky to not get caught....and like I said, it sounds like utter bullsh*t, but it’s 100% true. I’ve never been so nervous in my life.
June 18th, 2005: In the Trench
Some time ago I was out around three AM. I was planning some blast tests with my friends. Why we do them at three AM, is beyond me. Anyway, it kind of fell through because two of the idiots got caught trying to get out of their house. As I was walking back, I saw a cruiser turn the corner onto my street. I started to look for a place to jump into and hide, but they saw me in the headlights, so I ran into my backyard. At the time, we were having a fence built, and the idiots building the fence had cut through the cable and phone lines. (I specifically told them, "DO NOT USE A POWER AUGER," too.) Anyway, the phone guys, being phone guys, had come out to dig a trench, and then eat luch for an hour, stand around for a few hours, and leave. I heard the cops coming behind me, so I laid down on my side in the trench. The first cop stepped over me, and then his partner followed. They wandered around for about 5 minutes, then stepped BACK over me, got in the cruiser, and left. That’s probably my best cop story. I waited to post it until the cops involved would have forgotten the incident.
August 6th: Alexander and the Cops, again....
This is my second close encounter with the local cops. By the way, the following story sounds unreal even to me, but I swear it’s 100% true. Last night at 1 am I sneaked out of the house to go walking around with some buddies. They never showed up, so I was waiting by a concrete drainage ditch for about an hour. Let me tell you a bit about the ditch...It’s a large drainage ditch which was lined in concrete about 10 years ago. There’s a concrete tunnel that connects it to a ditch that’s not lined, just dug out. Halfway through the tunnel there’s a smaller tunnel that leads out and then curves up and at an angle. I’m a big guy, but the little tunnel is big enough to fit through. I’m pretty sure it leads to a street drain. Anyway, as I was heading back home, I got spotted by a cruiser, and scrambled down into the ditch, into the large tunnel, and backwards up the small tunnel until it curved far enough that I couldn’t see the opening. The cops around here,sadly, aren’t stupid... one of them cm,e from each end of the large tunnel, and they stopped in front of the entrance to the small one. One of them, who had a spanish accent, said,
"We saw him go in here, and he didn’t come out. He’s in the off-shoot."
The other guy, who sounded normal, you know, no accent, says,
"Man, he’s too big. He’d have gotten his fat ass stuck where we could see him."
All this time they’d been shining their lights down the small tunnel, and then I heard someone crawling up the tunnel! He got to the point where I was starting to think I might just give myself up and start speaking half-assed German (my only other language), and see if they’d let me go to avoid the hassle, when the guy crawling up the tunnel (apparently the spanish guy, but around here he’d probably be from Mexico rather than Spain), goes
"Hey, Allen...."
"Didja get him, Ramirez?"
"No, man....I got stuck."
"Aw, goddammit...here, I’ll yank you out."
So I guess he pulled him out, ’cause the light receded. They talked for a second, and decided that if Ramirez got stuck, I wouldn’t have been able to get in there as far as he did. Then I heard the squad car pull off...I guess they parked right above the tunnel. So I waited there for about another 30 mintues, and hoofed it home, staying verrrrry much in the shadows. This is my second real encounter with the cops, and once again I’m damn lucky to not get caught....and like I said, it sounds like utter bullsh*t, but it’s 100% true. I’ve never been so nervous in my life.
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