He Is the Road Warrior Once Again!

So. I dunno about you all but I've been hacked at Mel Gibson for the Passion, and then outright pissed at the anti-Semitism.

But Becky has shown me something that redeems him.

Here's the trailer for Apocalypto.

When you get to the part with the monkey, start tapping the rewind button. You'll see what I'm talking about. Of course, if you're lazy, you can just scroll down since I put the image in this post.


















You lazy fuck.

HA ha ha HA ha HA!

So.

Colbert Report.

Stephen said he'd give five bucks to the first person who changed the wikipedia article on reality to "Reality has become a commodity."

I headed right over to check.

I refreshed three times before it changed.

Took less than ten seconds from the MOMENT he said it.

It's back to normal now.

Who the FUCK is hanging around wikipedia THAT MUCH?!?

Edit: They got the article for David Bowie's Reality album, too. Bastardos.

Boredom

You Belong in Dublin

Friendly and down to earth, you want to enjoy Europe without snobbery or pretensions. You're the perfect person to go wild on a pub crawl... or enjoy a quiet bike ride through the old part of town.

What European City Do You Belong In?

You Are 84% Grown Up, 16% Kid

Your emotional maturity is fully developed, and you have an excellent grasp on your emotions. In fact, you are so emotionally mature - you should consider being a therapist!

How Emotionally Mature Are You?

I've had several therapists, does that count? heh. Therapist. TheRapist. The Rapist. Awesome.

Star Wars Horoscope for Aquarius

You can be cruel and torment people who disagree with you. Deep down, there is a peace-loving, friendly side to you. You have a knack for inflicting pain on people and use your intellect during battle. Star wars character you are most like: Darth Vader

What Is Your Star Wars Horoscope?

Who's surprised at THAT one?

Look, a distraction!

You Are 64% Cynical

You're a full blown cynic... and probably even skeptical of these results. You have your optimistic moments, but most likely you keep them to yourself.

How Cynical Are You?

No I'm not.

You Are 59% Indie

You're pretty indie, but you don't make a fuss letting everyone know. You just do what you like. You enjoy many types of things - from trendy to bizarre.

How Indie Are You?

Just for the record, there's no such thing as "indie music." That slightly different sound that people call "indie?" I call "too fucking cheap to do a few more gigs and buy some good equipment." Also, just 'cause you're not on a label, does not make you good. In fact, getting rejected by a company, often means you suck out loud. People who brag about the little no-name bands they listen to, or look down on other people who listen to mainstream music, are miserable dicks.

You're Totally Sarcastic

You sarcastic? Never! You're as sweet as a baby bunny. Seriously, though, you have a sharp tongue - and you aren't afraid to use it. And if people are too wimpy to deal with your attitutde, then too bad. So sad.

How Sarcastic Are You?

Yes, but I DO try to be funny while I'm verbally skewering an idiot.

You're An Angry Drunk

Ever wake up with sore knuckles and a black eye? Thought so.

What Kind of Drunk Are You?

Which is why I don't drink around people. I usually end up with less people to drink around.

Your Hidden Talent

You have the natural talent of rocking the boat, thwarting the system. And while this may not seem big, it can be. It's people like you who serve as the catalysts to major cultural changes. You're just a bit behind the scenes, so no one really notices.

What's Your Hidden Talent?

That one actually surprised me a bit.

Where'd it all go?

When did all the magic go out of the world? And I don't mean alchemy or spells or that sort of thing. I mean the adventure, the fun, the strange weirdness and bad craziness that made the world so exciting.

There used to be places left to explore, that anyone could get to. I mean, if you really wanted to, you could go explore the rainforest, or the mountain ranges. It was all unmapped, and even if someone had explored it before you usually ran across their dessicated corpse at some point, so it was all good. There was still treasure at the end of the trek, and while it might not make you rich or famous, it still meant something to you, right?

Now, it's all mapped. GPS devices can get you directions to the chemist's, or out of the deepest wilds. Survival has become a sport, and you can get a cellphone signal anywhere on the planet. In fact at this point I'm pretty sure you could buy dehydrated water online with your cellphone and have it delivered to you in the middle of the desert.


There used to be magical things in the world. Every strange bottle contained a djinn, or a letter from one of the aforementioned dessicated corpses. There were still creatures that lurked at the edges of perception, silently threatening to drag you away from reality. Cthulul still slept in R'lyeh and Count Dracula would happily suck you down like a milkshake.

Cthulu's corpse is rotting away into webcomics and horror film chic, Dracula's a bisexual frenchman. Those creatures get medicated away into nothingness, hallucinations, stress-induced sillyness. No one even sends letters anymore, god, how many people still remember their own address? And it seems to me that the only bottles I touch anymore either contain something poisonous, or intoxicating.



There used to be rebels in the world. There used to be solitary men who would stand before entire nations and say "Hey. You. Sod off, alright?" There used to be warriors, people who would wade into enemy lines and lay waste. There were men who fought gallantly, honored their enemy, and only killed him because he didn't want to but by god he HAD to. In the old days, if you swore loyalty to someone, it stuck, and it wasn't "good business sense" to jump ship and leave your captain behind.

Now the "rebels" are nothing more than punks with anarchy symbol tattoos. Now we can't even get hundreds of people to protest anything with meaning. There are no warriors anymore, not when you can kill millions of people from thousands of miles away by hitting a few buttons. And gallantry, chivalry, honor? Please. Not even among theives, now. And somehow, Machiavelli's ghost has possessed the business world.



So what the hell happened to all that? Did science kill it? Did we just grow out of our myths and legends? Did our little Industrial Revolutions expansionary orgy finally prove to us that, yeah, we're number one? Did the last century finally see the end of honor and respect, subjugated under the weight of enforced morality and fear of an honest death?

Or am I just finally going mad?

God... DAMMIT....

I know I usually don't do this, but I'm gonna start this out with a little disclaimer. I don't have any beef with Jews or Muslims; you guys get enough shit from the white man and his churches and don't need me piling on top of that, y'know? My problem is with Christians, and religion in general. And yeah, it's gonna look like I'm baggin' on everybody, but don't get mad about this shit. Some of this has been simmering for a long time and it's time to let it out. If you have something, anything to say, go on and put it in a comment. I've had a dry spell on those lately.

So.

Poking around wikipedia. Reading about the ViewAskewniverse and ran across the article on the Buddy Christ.

I'm bored and can't sleep, so I click on the link to Jesus. Not Buddy Christ or pop-culture Jesus, just straight-up Jesus on the rocks. Or the cross, whatever.

I'm looking at the contents and I see "Islamic Views on Jesus." I've never been quite clear on this, so I click on it, and guess what I find? THIS:

In Islam, Jesus (known as Isa in Arabic: عيسى), is considered one of God's
most-beloved and important prophets and the Messiah.

This, naturally, boggles my little mind. So, thinking this is a good example of why my dad says Wiki is unreliable (mainly, people like to fuck with other people's heads), I decide to click on the link to an article dealing entirely with that topic. Here, I find THIS:

Islam holds Jesus (Arabic: عيسى‎ `Īsā) to have been a messenger and a prophet of God and the Messiah.

So, judging by this, I continue under the assumption that, no, I have not fallen victim to yet another cosmic joke. He's the Messiah for Muslims ANNND Christians? Could that mean... they're on the SAME SIDE?! I wonder....

Working on a hunch, I decide to look up Abraham. There's an old theory I have, that is borne out by the following statement:

Abraham (Hebrew: אַבְרָהָם, Standard Avraham Ashkenazi Avrohom or Avruhom Tiberian ʾAḇrāhām ; Arabic: ابراهيم, Ibrāhīm ; Ge'ez: አብርሃም, ʾAbrəham) is regarded as the founding patriarch of the Israelites and of the Arabic people in Jewish, Christian and Islamic tradition. In that tradition, Abraham is brought by God from his home in the ancient city of Ur into a new land, Canaan, where he enters into a covenant: in exchange for sole recognition of Yahweh as supreme universal authority, Abraham will be blessed through innumerable progeny.

Okay, did EVERYBODY get that? Abraham founded Islam, Judaism, AND Christianity. Also, Abraham worshipped ONE GOD... Yahweh. So that means... that he founded three religions... under one god... so all three religions... have the SAME FUCKING GOD.

So... 'scuse me if you've told me this before... why do the most vocal little enclaves of each religion claim to despise the others?

And you know what? I really don't care if you call him God or Yahweh or Allah or even don't say his name out loud at ALL! Furthermore, I know that's a bit insensitive, but when have I given shit ONE about sensitivity? And I reject the argument that my christian friends feed me, that "Oh, Allah is, like, a moon god, and a war god, 'cause he's all warlike, and stuff."

YEAH? and you just celebrated a festival that used to belong to Saturn, a ROMAN god, until some douchebag Pope (Pope Dickwrinkle the First, let's say) decided to co-opt the poor pagans and STEAL their fucking holiday!

LISTEN TO ME. Every one of you little shits who sits out there and claims that you have to destroy all the infidels because "God said so." Listening? Are you? Really? Okay, here we go....

THERE IS ONLY ONE GOD. GOT IT?

And you know what's more? I'm not even sure about that.

You all promote your god as good, loving, and just. He looooooves you all so fuckin' much. Why's he hatin' on the rest of us, then? For not BELIEVING in him? So I don't believe in a god. Alright, cool. Should I go to hell for THAT? SHIT NO. And who the Christ are you to tell other people they're "infidels?" Or even fuckin' heretics? If the god of some religion sends good people to hell without a second thought 'cause they didn't belong in HIS flock of sheep, then I want NO truck with him or his brainwashed little lambs. At all.

And let's talk about your vaunted god a little more, shall we? He's so damn powerful. Omnipotent! That means there's NOTHING he can't pull off! So... what's he been doing lately? Is he... ignoring us? Overloaded with prayers and taking the menial shit 'cause it's easier? What about the cancer patients, God? And what about war, God? If you love us so much why do you let us kill each other constantly? Why do you let us do it in your Name (which by the way has ceased to be funny even to me)? Why do we have SIDS and AIDS and HIV and racism and global warming and the "humvee?"

And what do we have to do to take a Cosmic Vote of No Confidence?

Well, this is fucking creepy.

I can't fix this fucker. Scroll on down. Sorry, I just thought it was neat.

Alexander the Great You scored 9 ruthlessness, 12 tactics, and 4 charisma!

Alexander the Great (in Greek Μέγας Αλέξανδρος, transliterated Megas Alexandros; (Birthplace: Pella, Macedonia, Greece - July 20 or 26, 356 BC–, June 10, 323 BC), King of Macedon 336–323 BC, also Alexandros Philippou Makedonon, was arguably the most successful military commander of ancient history, conquering most of the known world before his death. Born in 356 BC in Pella, Macedonia. Alexander is also known in Zoroastrian Middle Persian works such as the Arda Wiraz as "the accursed Alexander" due to his destruction of the Persian Empire and its capital Persepolis. He is also known in Eastern traditions as Dhul-Qarnayn (the two-horned one), apparently due to an image on coins minted during his rule that seemingly depicted him with the two ram's horns of the Egyptian god Ammon. In Iran, north-west India and modern-day Pakistan, he is known as Sikandar-e-Azam (Alexander the Great) and many male children are named Sikandar after him. Following the unification of the multiple city-states of ancient Greece under the rule of his father, Philip II of Macedon, (a labor Alexander had to repeat - twice - because the southern Greeks rebelled after Philip's death), Alexander conquered the Persian Empire, including Anatolia, Syria, Phoenicia, Gaza, Egypt, Bactria and Mesopotamia, and extended the boundaries of his own empire as far as the Punjab. Alexander integrated non-Greeks into his army and administration, leading some scholars to credit him with a “policy of fusion.” He encouraged marriage between Greeks and non-Greeks, and practiced it himself. This was extremely unusual for the ancient world. After twelve years of constant military campaigning, Alexander died, possibly of malaria, typhoid or a viral encephalitis. His conquests ushered in centuries of Greek settlement and rule over non-Greek areas, a period known as the Hellenistic Age. Alexander himself lived on in the history and myth of both Greek and non-Greek peoples. Already during his lifetime, and especially after his death, his exploits inspired a literary tradition in which he appears as a towering legendary hero in the tradition of Achilles

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 99% on ruthlessness You scored higher than 99% on tactics You scored higher than 99% on charisma

Link: The What Military Leader Are You? Test written by VJS007 on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

and an excerpt from a conversation I was having at the time:
"Dr. Cox says:
Alexander the Great.
Dr. Cox says:
like we didn't know that already.
][ T . r . a . v . i . s ][ "I beg your pardon, but I need to confuse, mislead and vilify you in my mind." says:
See, how you get Alexander the Great instead of Ivan the Terrible
][ T . r . a . v . i . s ][ "I beg your pardon, but I need to confuse, mislead and vilify you in my mind." says:
I dunno"

*I* tell it like it IS!

A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.