I can never put a title on the important stuff.....

I'd like to admit to you all that I'm overly romantic. I'm also paranoid, anti-social, and I always wear black. But I like those things. I don't like the overly romatic silliness.

I get told from time to time that I don't care about anyone but myself. This couldn't be further from the truth. I've sworn up and down all my life that if someone near me has a gun and intends to use it, I'll sooner rip out his throat than allow anyone else to get hurt. There is a standing promise to any woman I know that if some guy mistreats them in any way, I will beat him, or at least do my best to beat him. I'm not kidding, either. I won't stand for any kind of maltreatment of any of my friends.

But back to the romantic foolishness... I suppose it's not so much "romantic" as it is something I can't really identify, can't put my finger on. There's a good example I can give you... but it's an example that will get me nowhere, and probably get me abused mercilessly. Oh, wait, Jake doesn't have internet. So, no abuse, I'd expect. Shall we begin?

Two years ago, on my birthday (oh, man, that's coming up, isn't it? One year closer to death...), on the bus, I met a girl through a mutual friend. Didn't think much of it at first, but we started talking about anime (forget George Bush, Japanese cartoons are the real uniter.). Not much else, really. But I was.... interested. For lack of a better word.

She was... is.... verrry pretty, I thought. I'm sure someone would disagree with me. I'm also sure I would hit that someone in the mouth. Also, she is devastatingly intelligent. I mean, I thought I was a smart guy, but she beat me hollow in that department. I heard people talk bad about her, of course; someone's always willing to talk garbage about anyone. But what bothered me was that these people were her friends. From the beginning I thought she was a good person, but I'm like the courts in that respect: Good until proven otherwise. She never really proved otherwise.

In case you hadn't figured it out yet (in which case you are blind, deaf, and trying to read this post by feeling your monitor), I really liked her. Still do, to some extent. But I'm not a social person, and I couldn't tell her. (I still have this problem, incidentally. Probably something to do with too much videogames and not enough people/outside/social time. Eww.... outside....) So... I tried to go through... channels, let's say.

Okay, I acted like a bloody third grader. "Hey, ask her if..." and other such foolishness. Unfortunately this was seen as pure cowardice. So that's strike one.

Here comes strike two. This one's a bit hard to follow. I have very... strong opinions. I don't think our government is decent. I don't think it's quite democratic, either, what with the electoral college. I think the problems need to be fixed, however is necessary. If you ask me, in person, I'll tell you the same thing. In fact I used to tell anyone who stood still long enough. I believe in this above all: there must be change, and soon. She caught wind of this, and apparently I'm now... well. If I don't use names then I shouldn't use direct quotes either, but it boils down to hypocrite. This is true, to some extent, but not in this case.

So... third strike, 'cause I don't know when to quit. A while back she moved to England to go to school (Which is most impressive, by the way.), so the only communication was through MSN messenger; the same way I speak to most of you (well, that and Gmail. ^^). But.... IM is not the best way to communicate, for most people. Something was said that made me unhappy. I think I probably took it out of context. I'm highly stupid, after all. Anyway, the next day on the bus I said something I shouldn't have said. It got bck to her. I was berated (deservedly), blocked, (also deservedly ) and am now ignored (painful, but I deserve it.).

I don't really know where I was going with this post. I guess... what needs to be said is that I'm sorry. I made a mistake. I admit it. I'm a hypocrite, sometimes. I admit that, too. I pretty much struck out, and it was my fault. I guess I didn't keep my eye on the ball.

But most baseball players come back up to bat eventually, don't they?

I was hanging out with Nicolae and his girlfriend last night, and we ran to blockbuster to rent a movie. After puttering about for a while we settled on something that Jake had been recommending for a long time: Boondock Saints. We got back to his house to watch it, but ended up screwing around with his computer. By the time we were ready to actually watch the damn thing, it was time for me to leave. But I went back today, and we sat down and watched it after a while.

It was... beauty. It was funny, and there were dramatic bits. And the philosophy was wonderful and concise. (more on that in a later post) But now.... the best dialouge EVER. I love wikiquote.

"And Shepherds we shall be, for Thee my lord for Thee.
Power hath decended forth from Thy hand,
that our feet may swiftly carry out Thy command.
So we shall flow a river forth to Thee,
and teeming with souls shall it ever be,
In Nomine Patris, et Fili, et Spiritus Sancti." --prayer of the Saints, right before or after they kill someone, or someone is killed

"When I raise my flashing sword, and my hand takes hold on judgment, I will take vengeance upon mine enemies, and I will repay those who haze me. Oh, Lord, raise me to Thy right hand and count me among Thy saints." --Il Duce

"Never shall innocent blood be shed. Yet the blood of the wicked shall flow like a river. The three shall spread their blackened wings and be the vengeful striking hammer of God." --Il Duce

"You Irish cops are perking up. That's two sound theories in one day, neither of which deal with abnormally-sized men. Kinda makes me feel like Riverdancing. [begins dancing]" --Paul Smecker

"Why don't you make like a tree, and get the fuck outta here?" --Doc

"Fuck! Ass!" --Doc

"[Picking out weapons and gear]
Connor: You know what we need? Some rope.
Murphy: What are you, insane?
Connor: No, I'm serious. Charlie Bronson's always got a rope. In the movies, they've always got rope and they always end up using it.
Murphy: That's stupid. Name one fucking thing you're gonna need a rope for.
Connor: It's not what they need it for, they just always need it.
Murphy: What's this "they" shit? This isn't a movie.
[Connor picks up a huge commando knife out of Murphy's bag]
Connor: Oh, is that right, Rambo?
Murphy: All right, get your stupid fucking rope."

"[After Smecker gets a phone call in bed with his gay lover and slaps him]
Paul Smecker: What are you doing?
Hojo: I just wanted to cuddle.
Paul Smecker: Cuddle? What a fag."

"[After Rocco accidentally turns a cat into a splatter on the wall]
Murphy: I can't believe that just fucking happened!
Rocco: Is it dead?"


"Rocco: Me! I'm the guy! I know everyone! I know their habits, who they hang out with! I got phone numbers, addresses! I know who they're fucking, I know where they live! We could kill EVERYONE.
Murphy: What do you think about it?
Connor: I'm strangely comfortable with it."

"Rocco: Fuckin'..What the fuckin' fuck..Who the fuck..Fuck this fuckin'..How did you two fuckin' fucks.. FUCK!
Connor: Well, that certainly illustrates the diversity of the word."


Ahhhh.... such beauty. I'd reccomend the movie to anyone who doesn't mind a bit of blood. And a cat getting splattered across a wall. It's a beautiful movie. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boondock_Saints. I'm now hoping for a sequel, the movie is teh awesome.

Well-adjusted

I think I am now at the lowest ebb of my personal life, for various reasons. You know the best part about being me? I'll tell you:

I am so messed up that I believe that bad things people tell me, about me. And I laugh.... at myself.... because I am so lame. I can insult MYSELF and enjoy it! I actually LIKE picking on myself.

Can you imagine that? I will never be unhappy, because wherever I am, I have someone to pick on to make me feel better... ME! I am laughing maniacally, right now, at how insane and maladjusted I am. Let me illustrate this properly. I am watching Family Guy right now. Family Guy, in case you don't watch it, is one of the funniest shows in television. I am currently unable to laugh at it. I also cannot laugh at The Daily Show. I put in a Dane Cook CD, one of the best comedians I know. No laughing. Even at the cashew bit. But... I can damn sure laugh at myself. Ain't insanity grand?

***
I remember reading somewhere that it's healthy to cry every now and then.

I haven't cried since I was 12, and I'm damn near 18. I think I'm well out of "every now and then." I haven't cried in almost 6 years. Should I be worried about this?

***
You know what else is a great feeling? Having something I.. sorry, something that YOU want to tell someone, but being afraid. I've never told you people what I'm afraid of, have I? If there's one thing I want to avoid, in my life, it's hurting someone I care about. See, the worst thing in the world is wanting to tell someone something, bursting at the seams, as it were, and not being able to. Why can't I just spill my guts? Because I know that if I did, it would cause nothing but pain for anyone involved. And I'd sooner cut out my tounge than let that happen.

***
I've been told that I'm getting to be more and more like Jake. I'd like to make something perfectly clear now. I am NOT Jake. Jake is my friend. He is my ally, my partner in crime, my backup. Sure, he's a bit abusive sometimes, but that's how guys are.

Right?

***
The center knuckle on my right hand is constantly broken. I can re-set it myself at this point. Really simple, pull on the finger and twist to the right a bit. It doesn't even hurt anymore.

Why is it always breaking?

I kind of think it's better to punch a brick wall and damage myself, than to punch a person and hurt them.

***
You know earlier, I said I was unhappy, but laughing at myself? That was written at about 9:30.
Now, it's 11. I'm not laughing. And I've been introspective. I realized, I have never been so insanely depressed in my life, but some happy little part of my mind is enjoying the hell out of this. I'm like someone out of a Vonnegut novel. Yeesh.

***
I'm listening to more and more death metal all the time. Also, believe it or not, your friendly neighborhood white boy has been listening to some really, really vile rap. Gulfcoast, motherf**kers. Heh heh....

***
There is nothing good on TV at 11:14 PM. But I don't want to sleep. I'm kind of afraid to sleep when I get like this.

***
I voided my existance a few years ago. See, the reason animals live, and yes, humans are animals, is to extend the species. The entire purpose of life, at least genetically, is to create more life. A while back I decided to not have kids. I mean, I know I'm bad enough. We don't need anything else like me around here. So I'd just like to apologize to you all for wasting your time and resources.

***
Here is how good of a social actor I am: Until you read this, there were only two people in the world who knew how unhappy I am. But I've decided not to try out for one-act after all, 'cause I also know how bad of a stage actor I am. {Alter-ego says: |-|3 15 73h 5uxx0rz. R34||y.}

***
Whenever someone I care about is unhappy, I bust my ass to help them. When I'm unhappy, all I hear is "Fine. Whatever. " "F*ck you/F*ck off/Go f*ck yourself." I'm not talking about anyone in particular here, I swear it. I'm talking about every single person I know, most of the time. There are times people might allow me to vent a little, but only when it suits them (at which time I generally am in a good mood).Of course, there are exceptions. Anyway, this doesn't make me mad. It doesn't depress me, at least, not anymore than usual stuff does.

It... dissappoints me.

***
I'm going to get at least one comment on this that's going to be the equivalent of "suck it up, wussass." Somehow this is funny.

***
Allow me to tell you how my afternoon has gone. At 5:30 I was at the library, picking up one of my favorite books, Neuromancer by William Gibson. At 6:45 I was told that I'm going to get my licence tomorrow. At 7 I was reading a good book of quotes from reknowned cynics.

At 11:30 I spent a half hour staring at my hands, and not... thinking.... anything.

***
Allow me to also tell you how quickly fortunes can change. Just before Christmas break began, I was probably the happiest I'd ever been in my life. Things began to fall apart on Sunday. And here I am, now, as close to emotionally dead as ever I've been.

***
One last thing before I play DOOM until my eyes ooze from my skull... if you see me tomorrow....(wednesday) I will probably seem perfectly happy. Perfectly normal. The usual, happy-go-lucky goofball who laughs off every insult and takes as much offense at punches as a sack of dirt. This is called denial. It's fascinating to watch, really. Enjoy it, someone should.